Ok, now we’re in trouble.

Not only have I offended mum-to-be’s sensibility by implying that she seemed much more prepared for Ollie’s arrival than I, but she has disclosed that just like me, she has no fricken idea.

What now!? Neither of us has the foggiest idea what to do when we get home from the hospital. Sure, I guess you stick the little thing in some nappies and clothes, make up the bassinet and jam it in there, but what then?

At this stage of pregnancy, we have many, many kind suggestions, gifts (including a stretch-n-grow that I swear is big enough for a five year-old) and edicts from all and sundry. Most of these are welcome and very comforting, but some border on the bizzare. One of my favourites is the scheduled feeding suggested in Baby Wise. Sure, I can understand that developing a routine with baby is a great idea, but waking your baby from dead sleep because it’s feeding time seems a little extreme. Apparently it suggests a ‘cold flannel on the baby’s back’ if it does not wake up. Nice.

Taking all of these good and bad suggestions, I think I’ve come up with a personal approach to babying that should just about cover it: The minute things start to happen birth-wise, check all your preconceptions at the door, strap in, and hang on for the ride of your life.

Give me a couple of weeks and I’ll let you know how it goes.

On an entirely different note, I was swiping my Foodtown card at the supermarket yesterday, and started to wonder: ‘just what the blimming heck does Foodtown do with all this data?’. We use the card because it ends up saving about $10-$15 on a $200 shop, but I am also dimly aware that it logs all our purchases against the “late-20-something, white, agnostic, partially-sane” demographic (you did tick that one on the last census didn’t you?).

So I’m wondering if Foodtown is slowly building up this data so that they can ‘enhance’ our shopping experience at some stage. I can just see it now, you’ll rock on up to the checkout, and on scanning a particular item that does not match your demographic profile, the teller says:
– “So Mr Gracewood, the new baby has arrived then!?”, or
– “Now should you really be buying that sticky pink bun? Doesn’t fit in with your low-carb diet does it now?”, or
– “Off the wagon again are we?”

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  1. Speaking as a 3 month veteran of child raising – nobody has any idea regarding babies Mr Ben. It’s all a big rook those baby books. Just try not to give Oliver too many visible scars, psychological are best as they don’t show for the first 20 years.

  2. Eeek! That Babywise is the devil! Throw it and most other books away and trust your gut… except when it tells you to put the wailing week-old infant on a bus to New Jersey in the middle of the night (this might seem like a good idea *at the time* but later you will be very glad your spouse talked you out of it. Trust me on this one).

    Anyway, you already know everything you need to know about babies – it is buried deep in the recesses of your matrix-like brain, and Ollie will download it out of you like the master hacker he already is. The only other thing to get the hang of is surviving without REM sleep — this will put you in the same class as fighter pilots and Resistance heroes and yogis and cyborgs, and forever after you will gaze at weaklings who recklessly sleep until noon with the utter contempt/ sheer envy they deserve.

    Good luck!

  3. Goddamnit Mr Ben, I know you’ve got Oliver home now but is that really any excuse not to update this blog? Where are the cute baby photos?

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